so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
