I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
