How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Send help, water and tortillas.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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