you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
