she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
