First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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