If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
