How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
