omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize