Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
