So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize