Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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