Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
false alarm. still invincible.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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