there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
