i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
