like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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