so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
bring money and cleavage
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
