he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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