god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
