There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
