jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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