As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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