Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
