dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
