a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
