Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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