Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
