Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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