my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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