Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
