Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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