Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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