There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
