How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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