My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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