I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
