The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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