i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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