I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
