I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
