Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
