She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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