i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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