soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
