I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
