she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
