She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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