is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
