He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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