after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I supernannyed him into submission
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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