Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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