officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
