worst night to have a conscience
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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