It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
