apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
