Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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