Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
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