somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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