dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Randomize
