you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
