I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
