dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
