She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Randomize
