Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize