I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
