He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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