Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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