Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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