drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
