apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
